genderbound

today, after months of hesitation and denial and poverty and all sorts of fun things, i finally received the binder i ordered from underworks in the mail. a large double front compression shirt. at first i got anxious, didn’t know how to feel. i opened it, immediatley felt filled with excitement. trying to put it on was a serious task. i had to pull it up over my hips to even come close to getting it over, and to be honest i’m kind of at a loss of how to get it off. but i pulled it up and tucked it in and looked at myself in the mirror. i saw something completely new. something close to the body i’ve desired for a long time. it was an emotion i hadn’t experienced in a while, especially with the week i’ve been having. it was pure joy. i almost cried i was so happy. i tried on all of my different clothes to see which looked the best with the contour of my new chest. i am so pleased. at this point, i am really, really satisfied. thank fucking god.

How do you deal with transphobia at work when nobody knows your gender status/pronoun preferences? I seriously don’t know what to do right now.

today, on my way home from work i am going to buy a extra large ace bandage. i am going to suck up the guts and walk in and buy it. nobody in the store will think twice about it. i’m going to carry it with my all the way home on the train for an hour and a half. after my girlfriend picks me up from the train station we are going to go back to my place and hold out in my bathroom until i can compress my DD size breasts as much as is physically possible. this time i am not going to get frustrated and give up. i am not going to curse and break things. i am going to really try. i know i’ll never be “flat” with just a bandage wrap, but right now i just want to be anything other than what i am. i’m sick of walking around feeling like i have two enormous tumors dangling from my chest all the time. i’m sick of people who know nothing about my gender identity assuming i’m one thing because my breasts are the first thing they notice when they look at me. i’m sick of the few trans people i know not even seeing it in me, or recognizing that i’m too scared to tell even them let alone anyone else what i’m going through. tonight, i’m going to do this. because i can’t afford a binder. because if i don’t write this out i might get too scared again. because if i don’t do it tonight, i never will.